Hey there....

It's been a long time blog.  I'm not sure if I missed this or not.  I forgot that I used to write blog posts and had things to share, other social media took over.  Whomp....whomp.  Last time I wrote, I was actively writing calligraphy and enjoying it.  I haven't picked up a dip pen since September, that was even a one off, I just haven't looked at it since.  I haven't created anything in a really long time, I'm hoping to change that soon.

I have a pretty good goal list going and the one person I was keeping it from, I finally told.  I'm taking a class, General Psychology.  Why?  I need to have a B average and several courses under my belt for when I apply to grad school.  What for?  Art Therapy.  Have you taken the GREs?  No, I'm looking at programs that don't require it.  You could get free money for getting a good score.  I don't believe standardized tests are a good measurement (I've also taken the MTELs and Praxis exams for teaching, I am not taking anymore).  Well, the subject matter is "foo foo" so, that's why you wouldn't have to take it, it's not Math.  Then, blah, blah, blah, it's been proven that standardized tests show who is succeeds.  I'm not taking anymore and I do not believe in them, personally.

Thanks, thanks a lot.

Trust is a union of intelligence and integrity.

I was planning on writing a blog post after the Women's March in Philly, after the political backlash on facebook, my anger boiling over from my interactions with friends and acquaintences.  I just needed to step back and take a minute because, this isn't what I wanted to blog about.  Instead, I decided to take a facebook break, embrace my calligraphy practice, walk more, and figure out my life.

I have been on facebook approximately 1/2 hour over the past two weeks.  This has been the best decision that I have made in awhile.  I haven't been pulled into other people's lives, scrolling, reading, commenting, and moving on.  It is a good feeling that I am more in control of my time then, this stupid website (although instagram...that's another story).  Also, events...I realized there is a proliferation of events to go to on facebook, I do not miss seeing them and simply being interested in them.

My self confidence has boosted, I am no longer comparing myself to others or wondering so much about the trajectory of my own life and what I might be missing out on.  I have started to become happy and loving myself more and more each day.  These are feelings that I haven't been acquainted with in quite a long time (if ever).  I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, which I wish happened sooner than 35.

Hello 2017!

New Year's Eve has never been my favorite night, there is so much built up around it.  This year I stayed home, made an epic cheese plate and hung out with my old cat.  I watched the ball drop and then went to bed shortly after.  It was probably the best New Year's Eve I have had in a long time.

No, I didn't eat it all. 

My girl, Skitz

I didn't make any resolutions or choose an intention.  I created a mind map, it helped with clarifying my goals.  2017, the year that I make many changes to become the person I want to be.

This is my mind map. 

While I sat on my couch on the 1st, watching tv I realized I was happy but, lonely.  I rejoined tinder.  I added photos that weren't terrible, I tried to add one that was hilarious that my niece took but, the app is shitty at best and I was unable to do so.  Then, it dawned on me a day later that I also rejoined tinder to not focus on the stuff that needs to get done.  MY GOALS.  MY MIND MAP!  Damn my mind trickery....focus...focus.

 I know it sounds like and sometimes feels like I am not doing much but...I am.  I woke up on the 1st and made a decent breakfast.  Carrot cake oatmeal.  I didn't take a picture because it isn't the prettiest food but, it was tasty.  The leftovers were even better because the raisins got a little plump, that's the way I like them, just a little bloated.

I've been practicing calligraphy every day for a little while now.  I'm trying out inks that I actually got last Christmas.  I decided a week or two ago to choose lady quotes to focus on.  I feel like I wasn't exposed to great things that women have said throughout history and for every one quote I find by a woman there are dozens more by men.  I just want to make them stand out a little more in my mind.

This quote is from the 1st.

I've also logged 4 miles outside over the past two days out of the 365 mile challenge I am participating in.  It doesn't seem like much but, it is for someone who is content chillin' with her cat in bed all day. That's right, I basically am promising myself to be active and outside all year long.  Anyone want to try snowshoeing?  Cross country skiing?  Hiking?

John Heinz Wildlife Refuge 

Ridley Creek State Park 

Cooking & things

I've been holding off on publishing this post for some reason, I think it was for the lack of photos.  I have some of the deliciousness I have made.  We are fast approaching Christmas, it is a light year for presents.  I wasn't feeling very inspired to splurge and actually gave myself a budget this year.  As I suspected, the cooking project with my bestie is at a standstill...last I chatted with her she hadn't made the harissa roasted veggies, she did confirm harissa is great with tuna.  

It has been a few weeks since I posted. I left off last at cooking, I managed to make a spinach lasagna and pumpkin chili. 

The pumpkin chili recipe was not very clear on if you had to rinse and drain the beans or dump the can in. I, of course, dumped the cans in and later realized it was pretty soupy. I just added an extra can of black bean, drained and rinsed. It was good chili, I was unable to taste the pumpkin but others were able to. 

I also made spinach lasagna, it was the easiest thing I have ever made. No boil lasagna noodles, store bought red sauce, three cheeses, and spinach.  It was freakin' good. 

My 35th birthday came and went. I celebrated by eating cheese with old friends and having homemade cake with family. 

I volunteered being a turkey runner the next day for Fair Food Farmstand.  People ordered turkeys, pheasants, oysters, and other goods and I was to run from the store to the cooler in the basement to retrieve them.  I managed to walk 5 1/2 miles and the largest turkey I carried was 28 lbs.  I was exhausted after this, covered in turkey drippings because they were fresh. It was an awesome experience and was glad to help.  The Reading Terminal Market has some great, vibrant people working there and it was interesting to see the underbelly.

Thanksgiving happened. Lovely and low key.

Nature walks. Baby shower. Christmas Market. Headaches. CBD oil. Card making. Vermont. Cookie exchange.

Decisions & food making

Shortly after my last post, I decided to put my two week notice in at my employer.  It has been building up for years, YEARS.  The thing is, I forgot to be grateful everyday, find happiness in the small things, and let my art fall to the wayside, losing myself along the way.  I had my exit interview on the day of the election, explained that I needed to take some time to take care of myself, was thankful for my job, and left on a good note.  In the in between time, I hope to wander onto a path that suits me better.

Meanwhile, I have been finding more meaning in cooking.  My friend and I just started back up on our recipe exchange (which it has been a few weeks without a recipe, because I picked one with a hard to find ingredient, more on that later).

The first recipe we tackled was garlic mashed cauliflower.  I love cauliflower raw or roasted, I will tolerate it prepared in other ways.  This recipe was seemingly easy, I learned what "smashing garlic" meant, which is more like putting it a garlic press or making it more paste-like.  Obviously, not what I did and I looked it up after the fact.  I was slightly put off by the addition of the cream cheese but, I think it may have given it a more potatoey taste.  If I make it again, I probably wouldn't add the cream cheese.  It was a nice change.

Looks like mashed potatoes, right?

The second recipe was harissa roasted vegetables. The harissa proved to be difficult to find, I went to my local food co-op, they had a harissa spread, went to Trader Joe's, they didn't have it.  Luckily, Amazon exists and I ordered it on-line and was a little delayed with making the recipe.  Once I got the harissa in the mail, I visited the Italian Market in Philly, while I was having lunch with some friends and spent my Saturday night roasting veggies.  I couldn't find the appropriate describing words for the way harissa hangs on your mouth after you eat the veggies, so good.  I highly recommend this recipe.  I was also gifted sunchokes from a friend, which I never came in contact with before, I roasted those the next night, find the recipe here.

This is a sad photo of the harissa roasted veggies, roasted sunchokes, and a harvest roast.

Sooo

The Perils of OK

Ok.  Okay.  It's a default answer, nothing more to ask.  No follow up needed.  Just say ok, no one will bother.  

The lines start to blur, what is ok and what is not ok, unable to tell the difference anymore.  If you tell yourself long enough that you are ok, you believe it for a while.  Then, it all comes crashing down.  This is someone else's life, a puppet's life. You question every decision you have ever possibly made.  Why have I been here two years longer since my last break down in the ladies room?  Why do I continue pushing a path that was not meant for me? 

Conversations become harder.  Real ones. Deep ones.  You distance yourself because of this, fearing that someone will know.  They'll know it isn't ok and start to ask questions.  

You sacrifice things to keep the ruse going.  You stop creating, enjoying,and letting go to just feel ok.  So, you don't stumble in the well of despair.  The loss is significant, sense of self, relationships, confidence, and passion.  I wonder where it all went, down the pit into the well so, it all could go just ok. 

August 20th: The day of firsts

I have successfully gone 34 years without pushing a lawnmower. It was viewed as a guy's job for a very long time. Growing up it was either my Dad or my brothers who had the assigned chore of mowing the lawn. My brothers left and now it is a chore my parents share or they pay someone to cut it. No more! I pulled that lawnmower out and did a pretty fine job being it was my first cut.  I actually enjoyed it, there was something soothing about it. 

On to the next first, cheesemaking. I tried, I really did. I read the directions probably 3 times before I started this adventure. I prepped, maybe I didn't use enough rennet, maybe the wrong milk, there are a lot of maybes but, a curd was not one of them.  I tried to coerce a curd but, it looked more like milk throw up. 

Curds were not in my future. I stopped working on it, took a break, drove to the health food store and bought raw milk. This is probably the most milk I have ever purchased. Second attempt will come soon enough.

Somehow, I also managed to complete my first journal. I have been starting and stopping journals for the past 20 years, that can apply to sketchbooks too. I started the journal to do entries for Calling in the One, I stopped writing for that (waiting for my bff to do it too) but managed to keep writing, mostly everyday, at least one page a day since May. 

 My day of firsts closed out my first complete journal, seems appropriate.